


Potato Chronicles

by EclipseOfTheWild



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I've made it a thing, Link is a potato now, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Yes..this is a thing, You're Welcome, alrighty, enjoy i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-01 19:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20263222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EclipseOfTheWild/pseuds/EclipseOfTheWild
Summary: "We’ve all heard the tale of the Hero of Time, the Hero of Hyrule, and all the rest, but there’s one hero whose song has remained unsung.The one I speak of is none other than the Hero of Potato."Yep...that's what this is.





	1. The Beginning

We’ve all heard the tale of the Hero of Time, the Hero of Hyrule, and all the rest, but there’s one hero whose song has remained unsung.

The one I speak of is none other than the Hero of Potato.

His story starts on a small potato field in the small village of Morai. An old farmer was tending to his crop when he noticed something moving amongst the potatoes. Thinking it was an animal of some sort, he stomped over, ready to scare it away, only to find a potato with two arms, two legs, and a face.

“Ah!” The farmer shouted in fright, “A demon has possessed the potato!”

He quickly brought his foot down, hoping to end the so-called demon’s existence, when a small hand stopped him in his tracks.

“Goodness gracious, I wake up from my nap and I nearly get crushed! What’s your problem?” The potato (Yes, the potato) grumbled, shoving the foot upwards, making the farmer lose his balance and fall onto the ground.

“Y-you’re a d-demon!” The farmer gasped out, shaking.

The potato face palmed, “Are you blind? I’m Link, the potato! And this potato is going to leave, since his presence is clearly not wanted!”

Without another word, he stalked off, leaving a trembling farmer behind him. As he walked, he glanced down at the motionless potatoes in the field, “What a bunch of lazy couch potatoes.”

Eventually, the short, green potato plants gave way to tall trees and lush grass. This was a familiar place for Link, since this was where he grew up.

To everyone else, it was known as Malir Forest, but its true name was Kokiri Forest, which had once been home to the Kokiri. The potato didn’t know much about them, all he knew was that in the legends, a boy named Link had lived with the Kokiri, until he set off on his own and became the Hero of Time!

It was really quite a shock to hear that the Hero of Time himself not only shared his name, but his birthplace as well.

Today was finally the day. He was going to pull the Master Sword from its pedestal and claim his title of the Hero of Hyrule!

Those stupid Koroks could suck it! He was just as worthy as being a hero as any other person!

He entered the large clearing that held the legendary Master Sword, the blade shining in the sunlight. Just behind it sat a large tree; The Deku Tree.

“Oh boy.” The large tree muttered before clearing its throat, “Ah, hello there…young…traveler…what brings you to this sacred forest?”

“I have come to claim my birthright; The Master Sword!” The potato declared.

“Uhhh…alright I guess…go for it.” The tree sighed.

The potato stepped up to the pedestal, eyeing the large sword that towered above him.

“How the fuck do I pull that out?” The potato wondered aloud.

The Deku Tree sighed again, “Uh, I think that there’s a…smaller one behind me. Because…uhhh…the prophecy foretold of a…potato hero…and there’s a special sword for you.”

“Oh boy! Thanks Deku Tree!” The potato skipped merrily to behind the enormous tree, only to stop to stare in awe.

In front of him stood a much smaller pedestal that held a…butter knife.

“Aha! This must be the smaller Master Sword that the Deku Tree was talking about!” The potato exclaimed, eagerly running up to the butter knife.

With his small, stick-like hands, he pulled at it with all his might and pulled the knife out of the pedestal.

Looking at the weapon in awe, he grinned, “See, I’m a hero! Fuck you Koroks!”


	2. Grinch Temple I guess??? Idk anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So uh the potato got the Master Butter Knife and is now going to his first temple!
> 
> What am I doing anymore.

And so he pulled the Master Butter Knife from the pedestal, which was actually a just a large paper plate. There was some food leftover on the plate, but Link didn’t care. 

The potato went to leave the Kokiri Forest, but the booming voice of the Deku Tree stopped him.

“Wait young…potato hero. There’s something I must tell you about the threats that plague this land.”

“Ooooh story time!” The potato sits criss-cross apple sauce and eagerly awaits this very serious backstory. 

“What, no, it’s a _serious backstory_” The Deku Tree corrected grumpily, “Anyways, a long time ago, the Hero of Time defeated a great evil of Hyrule known as Ganondorf. This man was a man of pure evil, going as far as taking over the entire kingdom to attain his goal.”

“What was his goal?” Link asked curiously, eyes wide and full of wonder.

“He wanted to claim the Triforce; a powerful gift from the goddesses themselves. He was stopped however, and was sealed away.” The Deku Tree explained, “Many generations have passed and many heroes have fought against this evil again and again, until this day has arrived.”

“It seems, however, that he has taken a different form; one far more powerful than before. Now, he calls himself…Ganonfork. He is a powerful adversary, especially now that he has the power of the fork on his side, you must take caution.”

The potato smirked, “Ha! I eat forks for _breakfast_! I’m not scared of some evil dude who got resurrected as a fork!”

“I mean…fair, but like…you might die if you’re not careful.” The wise tree responded, “Now go, please, I’m tired as fuck after belting out that backstory for you.”

Link stood up, “Okay, okay, jeez, I’m going!”

With that, the potato yeeted the fuck out of there and started onto his new quest.

“Wait…where am I going again? Damn I should have asked. Guess I’ll just see if I can find…whatever I’m look for.”

Almost immediately, the potato hero could spot a huge temple in the distance, a giant sign on the top saying: ‘Boss Battle is HERE. Five rupees to gain admission!’ 

“Five rupees? What a rip off! Ugh, for the quest I guess.” Link groaned, stalking towards the temple.

One hour later had the potato standing in front of the very snowy temple. It was decorated as if it was Christmas, but it wasn’t Christmas. Seriously, ‘Let it Snow’ was playing on repeat outside of the temple. As soon as the potato hero entered the temple, he could see something was…strange.

There was sherbet. Everywhere.

It was all over the floor and the walls, some was even hanging from the ceiling.

“The fuck?” Link stepped around all the sherbet, heading down the long corridor into a large room.

The room itself was fairly simple; it was something that you would expect of a temple. However, the decoration was...very Christmasy. Garlands and ornaments hung from ceiling, and wreaths covered the walls.

The potato was snapped out of his thoughts by a sudden crash in the middle of the room. Whipping around to look, he saw something…interesting.

Standing in a small hole was dinosaur-looking creature wearing what looked to be a Santa suit, except it was gleaming with metal. It was Santa armor. 

In the creature’s hands was a giant machine gun, a large container attached to the back of it, and it was filled with sherbet. The classic boss music started and its name flashed across the screen.

‘Theino the Sherbet Monster’ it read. 

Wasting no time, Link unsheathed his Master Butter Knife, wielding it threateningly at the apparent boss. However, there was something that the potato hero didn’t know about this boss, something that would soon be revealed.

Theino raised its machine gun, rapidly firing sherbet at him, he felt the cold desert graze his side and suddenly-

_Mashed potatoes, harvest time, monsters pulling potatoes from the field_

Link had the realization; this sherbet activated his tragic anime backstory. Oh no. 

It was a long time ago, when Link was but a small tot, but he had a large family of potatoes. There was his mom, his dad, a few aunts and uncles, and a few grandparents. However, this wasn’t meant to last, because one day, the monsters came.

They didn’t listen to the potatoes as they tried to reason with them, they simply took everyone, Link barely escaping their grasp.

He resolved to free his family, but by the time he arrived to save them, it was already too late.

The monsters had a crude steak and mashed potatoes for dinner that night.

Link grieved for his now mashed family, but he swore to avenge them and leaped right into their camp.

The monsters were tough, but the potato was having none of it, he had brought his stereo for a reason, after all. Link hit play on the music, and the ‘Monster Mash’ started playing.

He yeeted himself into the air, coming down onto the monsters and, as the song stated, he had a graveyard smash. 

The potato Monster Mashed the monsters out of existence and went about his day, meeting a wise old celery by the name of Billy Bob. 

Billy Bob helped Link hone his skills and become the hero that he was today.

But, as in all animes and/or Disney movies with mentor characters, he died. 

Eventually Link found himself in Kokiri Forest, where he sort of lived, but he also lived in a potato field next to it but eh close enough. None of the potatoes there were very talkative though. They didn’t do anything really.

Anyways enough of the extensive flashback scene, Link had a boss to kick to kill!

The potato hero did his best to dodge the sherbet, and hacked and slashed away at Theino with his butter knife.

Eventually, Theino screeched and knocked him back, transforming into its next phase. 

Its dinosaur-like shape stayed, except it turned into a giant, dinosaur-shaped lime. The Santa armor also stayed, except limes hung from the belt.

Words flashed across the screen once more: ‘Sherbet TheeinoLimo the Lime’

TheeinoLimo pulled a lime from its belt and chucked it at the potato. To his surprise, it exploded into sherbet. 

It appeared that _this_ sherbet caused angst. He would stay away from that.

Link wondered what sherbet shop TheeinoLimo burned down to get this level of angsty sherbet. 

The potato had an idea, and quickly swung his Master Butter Knife, hitting one of the limes straight back to TheeinoLimo.

Almost immediately, the lime dinosaur started crying about something angst related. Link shrugged and considered the boss defeated. He accepted the heart container that floated from…somewhere, and went on his merry way.

To the next temple!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't...don't ask, I don't know.
> 
> This is a thing, this is a thing I created, and I don't know why, but damn it I'm finishing it.
> 
> I wrote this at like 5 am so uh...yeah xD   
YEET


End file.
